Dating an abuse survivor Desi my cam chat
And my libido is so high, so my fiancé can't really satisfy me in bed very often."Adds Michael (name has been changed), who engaged in oral sex with other men, "I always had thoughts of homosexual activity. But then when it was over, I threw up — the same as I did when I was molested. I don't look at men in romantic terms."Whether or not this is actual reenactment or sexual orientation confusion remains to be debated, but undoubtedly CSA muddles one's mind."I run a treatment group and a third of my guys have aspects of sexual identity confusion," says Rick Goodwin, Executive Director of 1in6 Canada, an organization that supports male CSA survivors.
Reenactment is a common coping mechanism amongst male sexual abuse survivors, which involves "reenacting" aspects of the abuse whether it relates to homosexual activity or simply gravitating toward activities reminiscent of the abuse. "It is the mind's way of remembering the abuse and trying to work out the painful feelings associated with it," explains clinical psychologist and CSA survivor, Dr. Says Dennis Bensie, author of , "I like to indulge in fantasy rape scenes. I like to be 'the damsel in distress.' I set myself up to be the victim. It brings it to the surface and I can deal with it."Daniel, who was severely abused and humiliated by his stepmother and her friends, adds, "I can't really get pleasure from gentle sex.
Because I get so rough, my ejaculation is much delayed. In retrospect, I do think perhaps I was trying to correct something or change the ending."But Michael was quick to clarify that he doesn't consider himself gay or even bisexual. When I see a girl in a bikini, I'm like Men don't give me butterflies like my wife does.
The fear of them walking out or abandoning me at some point becomes too great.
Instead, I chose to surround myself with people who would never care about me.
It becomes a powerful cycle that can be hard to break out of.
That sense of not being able to take control or ownership of your sexuality can be very confusing for survivors."Regardless, both Anderson and Goodwin point that it's hard to know where a survivor's true sexuality lies without proper therapy."If these characteristics are brought on by trauma, then I don’t think people can have healthy relationships. We're careful to distill what's trauma-laden and what's not," said Goodwin.
It seemed so much safer."Dennis adds, "I was sabotaging so I could be a victim. I was flipping my boyfriend into the role of the molester so I could get mad at him.”For most of us who haven’t been abused it can be hard to understand, but Anderson explains it more clearly: "Powerless is at the core of abuse.
So when someone is abused and made to feel powerless, it makes it difficult to see the rest of the world as a safe place. Especially when it comes to intimate partnerships."This sense of powerlessness can also cause victimized men to put up walls after the smallest slight."When I was 16, I met a girl I fell in love with," says Geoffrey.
Borderline Personality Disorder is one such disorder. Dennis believes his paraphilia (intense sexual arousal to abnormal objects, situations or individuals) is due to his sexual abuse."I'm sexually aroused by cutting men’s hair against their will. Since I was molested against my will, I like cutting hair against their will."One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual abuse is that all men who were abused turn out to be molesters.