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Everything was laced with sadness and the forbidden.

But he sustained me, a light in the seedy darkness.

We were living in a pool house and eating street-cart tacos every day because it was cheaper than buying groceries. I signed up with a third-party website to be a cam model. Guys go to the website, pick you out of a lineup, and instant message with you a little bit.

When they decide they want to fork over $3 a minute, they click the "Pay Now" button and take you to a private chat room, where you can do whatever you want.

He said I did the same for him, and that he would love me forever. He texted me throughout my packing crises, and his was the last text I got at the airport before switching off my phone at boarding.

I went to Laos, and then Thailand, emailing him from internet cafes that were no more than tin-roofed wooden shacks.He sent me an email telling me briefly what happened and that we had to sever all contact with each other. Day by day, piece by piece, I picked up my broken heart and tried to move on.He wrote that although he wanted nothing more than to hear from me one last time, it was for the best if I said nothing. I wanted to write him every day, message after message with the same thing: do you think of me? I wanted selfish proof that I was memorable, adored. Years of silence later, I got a message from him on Facebook, presumably the only means of contact unmonitored by his wife.He told me his wife had been offered a job in Europe; it would mean losing contact with his child and probably hamstringing his own career.Just as they made the decision that they would move to Europe, his wife found out about me.He hoarded the information I gave him; he was always careful never to say anything where the other guys could see. Rainier, about his weekend boat trips in altered states with his friends. He gave me a nickname in German, and asked about my mom.