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But having crossed that line only once advances you to the next level of sinfulness.So you’re first mistake is looking at a woman lustfully.My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.
During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorized 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this. The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely.
I don’t know if that makes me a “better” porn addict than the next porn addict. It severely restricted my access to pornography, and though the addiction didn’t cut off completely, it was definitely a practical step in the right direction.
The secret email addresses i set up which no one knew i had but me.
Saving files in deep directories where no one would think of finding them. But there is also an aspect of absurdity about this whole thing.
Knowing that i am a practicing Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling. And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time – hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.
It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
Then its looking at free porn sites, then its looking at pay porn sites, and so on.
My advice to those who are in the early steps of this sin is to never give into the temptation to “go to the next level.” If you admire pretty girls, thats bad, but not as bad as searching for porn on the web.
When i was new to the sin, i would never have dared to buy a dirty mag from the local store out of a sense of shame and embarrassment.
But the internet made everything accessible to me, and i could see what i wanted and when i wanted, all in the privacy of my own home.
I deleted the porn saved on my PC and he tells me he did the same.